ABCDs

For the last several years I have felt a strong sense of urgency to be a voice to help put out some of the racial fires that seem to have gone rampant over the last few years. Racial adversity is not a problem that goes away in waves but generally when a big event occurs, it gets a lot more screen time, both on the news and in social media newsfeeds.

Last week was intense with friends and family strongly on both sides of the stand Vs kneel controversy. As I was thinking how in the world did we get here and how do we have conversations with family, friends and colleagues on the other side without having all out fighting, I thought of these few things.

1) Always assume the best of people. Some people are genuinely jerks and say mean things to be just that, mean. But some people are really trying and don’t know the things they have said are hurtful. In order to move forward as communities and a nation, we need to assume that most people genuinely do mean well. Which leads me to the second step:.

2) Be open. If someone says something that you felt was not appropriate or was hurtful, take a deep breath and let them know in a very calm manner. (This can be done through a letter of you aren’t comfortable doing it in person.). Example- “I feel like you are singling me/my child/my friend out based on our color when you say that. It would be better if you said xyz.”. This way, you have given the person the opportunity to realize what they said is hurtful AND a better way to handle it next time.

3) Choose to listen and not defend. When we are told someone was offended by something we said, our first instinct is to defend our position/statement. Just stop. You don’t get to decide how someone feels. It is your job here to listen to the person. You don’t have their life filter– their background, their education, their past experiences, all the things that influence how we react to certain things. If we want to change the direction our world is headed, we have to be willing to first listen and not become defensive.

4) Do be willing to listen. Don’t get mad at me for repeating myself. I think this is so important. Don’t be unwilling to change. Don’t be scared or unwilling to speak up. If someone makes an inappropriate comment, even if in a “joking” manner, let them know it is inappropriate. If we are going to change this culture, we are going to have to be bold!

Please know how uncomfortable saying these things makes me, because I am completely unqualified. However, I believe we owe it to the whole black community to listen to them. They are a part of our children’s schools, our work (for me, both as colleagues, mentors, and patients), our churches, and they deserve to both be there and feel valued there.