About

During the fall of 2018, somehow along my journey of helping others fundraise for their adoptions, I stumbled upon someone that would become a forever friend. At the time, she was in a war zone in an Eastern European country working so hard to bring home a beautiful 11 month old with a heart defect that both her own country and the US agreed needed repaired ASAP and would best be accomplished in the US.

Meet Sophia. Home 7 months.

Not long after being home with this precious girl, her momma knew she had to go back one more time. The thing is, once you see these sweet kiddos’ faces, and you see how amazingly much better they do with having their basic needs met, all of the first world reasons not to go back don’t seem to matter as much. Will someone have to share a room? Maybe, but they will be allowed out of their crib to explore and experience life- none of which can be said from the dim walls of an institution.

One of the biggest hurdles for any adoption is that adoption is so very expensive. (Disagreeing with this doesn’t help kids come home to families- I’m just saying. ). When you have done back-to-back-to back international adoptions, this is a huge mountain. Although we were making very good headway on fundraising, we still knew that the amount left was a very big mountain, and we were praying for a miracle to move it. It was going to take one.

While at work on Friday, I got these messages from Shannon:

Are you sitting down?

Are you?

Where are you!?

Omg I need you to come back to your phone- I have news!

I’m about to call you- it’s that big!!

Our miracle had come in the form of a $5000 matching grant from an amazing organization called RODS (rods.org).

Starting on 3/25, every dollar up to $5000 will be matched toward this family’s adoption. This is huge. This is amazing. This is an answered prayer. This is truly a miracle!

These little girls are beyond precious. Sloane is almost four and has Spina Bifida. She is already doing amazing things and will do so, so well once she has the therapy and support she needs. Natalia– this story really needs a whole post in itself. She is a two year old little one with Down Syndrome, who Shannon has dreamed of being her mom for most of Natalia’s life. In 2017, the Newby family was told that Natalia was no longer ‘available ‘ for international adoption, and the assumption was that her biological family had brought her home. Although ecstatic for that outcome, Natalia never left Shannon’s mind, or heart. Now, almost 2 years later, sweet Natalia, a precious two year old with Down Syndrome, is still living in an orphanage and will come home to a family who have dreamed of being her parents for so long.

Will you consider sharing their story? Will you help raise the $5000 needed to meet this match? Your tax deductible donations can be made here. If you prefer, you can also donate to my PayPal Here.

I strongly believe that not all Christians are called to travel across the world to bring a child home. However, I also believe that once we know that kids are being left in metal beds without the most basic needs being met, doing nothing is not an option either. Help us move this mountain and bring these two girls home to the love of a family, the warmth of a home, the softness of a blanket, the fun of siblings, and to parents who will not only meet your basic needs but also fight to make sure that you have everything you need to meet your highest potential!

Our huge goal is to meet this $5000 grant in 5 days. It’s definitely a God-sized goal and not one I/we can meet without Him showing up. Will you be part of this miracle?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart! ❤️❤️

Playing it safe. Making ‘smart’ choices. Going with the option that I knew would not lead to failure. Staying well within my, and everyone else’s, comfort zone. Responsible.

I spent the first two decades of my life making choices through the above filters. Doing things that might not be successful, safe, or comfortable seemed irresponsible. Right…? Maybe. But, in this decade of life, the lesson God is teaching me is we don’t find Jesus in the safe and responsible. We find Him in the messy. In the situations that seem to cross that line- so blended into grey areas- and are downright hard. Those situations where you think “There is truly no right answer or fix for this, now what??”

My kids have tried out for solos, all star teams, track teams, gifted classes and not made it. And I am so, so proud of them for it. Because, I did not do anything that success wasn’t a guarantee. The fact that they have failed means they have tried hard things. Were they probably scared? Absolutely! But their crazy momma has taught them it is ok to do hard things scared. And that failing once does not equal failure. Because, they tried out for another solo (or two!) and rocked it! They have continued playing that same sport and get better with each day.

We walked into an open adoption situation, knowing the potential for our kids (and us!) to feel sadness and experience a broken heart was very real. But, had we not walked forward, we would be missing out on one of the sweetest parts of our families story ever. Had we avoided a relationship with Ava Kate’s birthmommy because we were scared, we would be missing out on one of the most precious journeys I’ve ever been on. We would all be missing out on a relationship that has brought so much joy to not just AK but to our whole family.

When I hear excuses from people about why they don’t do insert scary thing here, they almost annoy me. And then I have to remember that getting here was a process. Your laundry list of reasons to stay on the shore is holding you back from so many beautiful things God has for you.

“There’s a difference in being too scared to do hard things and doing hard things scared” – Shannan Martin, Falling Free

When we are scared or stressed, we tend to default to fight/flight/or freeze. Our brains are made that way. Our response to hard things is a natural reaction to run/push away or not move forward. But, I challenge you to do the scary stuff. And when you fail, don’t quit doing the scary stuff. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and before you know it, you might just find yourself knee-deep in the messy stuff and just maybe closer to Jesus than you’ve ever been. ❤️

On this day, just a a few minutes from now, ten years ago, Ben and I became parents for the very first time. Our journey to Sydney turns out to be a lot like the little one that she is- difficult, emotional, and filled with love and joy. I can still remember almost every detail of that day. Maybe because I’ve told the story so many times or maybe because it was such a dramatic, fast entry to parenthood after what felt like the longest year of our lives (miscarriage plus “taking forever to get pregnant again!”). To be sensitive to those who have experienced true infertility that lasted beyond the short time ours did— like Sydney, I feel things BIG and that short journey for me was painful and terrifying, and has forever given me empathy for someone going through the journey to motherhood that has taken a turn their dreams didn’t prepare them for.

Ben and I are without doubt not the same people who showed up to that hospital on January 14, 10 years ago. We’ve learned that truth and grace is a hard balance to master and have tried to lean more towards grace when we aren’t sure. We’ve learned that it doesn’t always have to be either/or and that both/and seems more consistent with WWJD.

Sydney entered this world with dramatic flair. She came after a devastating miscarriage followed by a year of frustrating “trying.” She came after 2 weeks of bed rest because she tried to come a whole month early. She came after what I would later learn was precipitous labor (aka sooo fast!). She came without a cry and was the only baby not placed immediately on my chest. (Thankfully a little stimulation and some blow by oxygen and she was pink and screaming!). Ben was the first to hold her and she likes to tell people this is why she is a daddy’s girl.

She has a heart of gold and hearing every single teacher she has ever had comment on this is one of my greatest joys. When she was little, I told someone she is challenging but you can change behaviors but you can’t make someone have love and compassion, and that’s 100% still where we are! She is one of the kindest, most generous kids I have ever met. Even yesterday at breakfast in Disney, I asked her why she took longer in the restroom and she said “Oh I was just talking to the janitor for a minute. I wanted her to feel important today! ”

7 pounds, 10.5 oz, 20.5 inches long- she wasn’t or biggest or smallest baby. She’s now a tiny thing- just over 50 pounds and tall enough to ride all the rides at Six Flags but still probably the shortest in her class! (We shall measure her today- ha!)

She is brilliant but like I told her today- I don’t think her brilliance/giftedness is going to be through academics, although she does well there. Her brilliance shines through her creativity-Art, Music, Dance, etx. She has sewn a pair of pants, done a cartwheel on a balance beam, and sang a solo in front of more than one full auditorium- all things I will never do in my lifetime.

She simultaneously melts me and brings me to my breaking point on the regular. I am so proud to be her momma and so thankful for privilege Ben and I have been given to help her navigate life and hopefully, ultimately, point her to Jesus in all we do.

Happy 10th birthday to my firstborn. My rainbow baby. You bring joy to everyone around you. You are going to change the world and we are so, so proud of you! ❤️🎈🎉. Today, we shall celebrate you in the Magic Kingdom!

Epcot quick bits-

We walked so, so much. My app said 15k steps and Ben 21k steps (you can see who got a short break in the hotel. )

We all tried Japanese ice cream and really, really liked it.

Ava Kate is a big fan of shaved ice (Also Japan). Not peaches.

Sydney was hugely smitten over being called princess and the sugary sweetness of Disney princesses. Belle, Aurora, Cinderella, Ariel and Snow White all had dinner with us.

I am a big fan of the sciences children’s museum meets roller coaster side of Epcot. I don’t love the countries. I think because so. Much. Walking.

We got to watch the end of a marathon. We happened to walk beside many of them as they approached their 25th mile. Our kids are such encouragers and that makes me insanely proud. Also, we watched a girl be taken away on a stretcher, hooked up to IV fluids. She confirmed for me I have no desire to run a marathon. I feel sure mine would end in similar fashion.

Sydney is still a bit of a scaredy bear. Loud noises and suspense are not her thing.

Last time we left Epcot, I told Ben we had to come back because we had not fully conquered it. I did not feel that way today. Mission accomplished.

It takes a lot of work, a lot of planning, a lot of yelling motivational speaking, and laughing to get our crew on an adventure like Disney. Or, who am I kidding!? School, the store, the dinner table! Ha!

Nonetheless, this will be our 4th trip as a family to the most magical place on Earth and we do believe in Disney Magic! 🙂

We got here a day early, stayed an exit away from our resort and are up bright and early and ready to explore the countries of Epcot! When we left Epcot two years ago, I said “I don’t feel like we conquered this!,” so it’s only fitting it’s where we start our journey for this trip!! 🙂  I will be dumping photos on the blog as we go today!  Any tips for yummiest treats and what countries, comment below!

Yesterday, our beautiful little one turned 4 months old.  It’s sort of odd to process that although she was born 4 months ago, I didn’t yet know she existed.  But on that day, four months ago, her first mom, her birthmommy was praying so hard for Ben and me.  Praying for someone to step in, and become mom and dad to this precious, beautiful little one.  To love her beautiful baby as much as she did, and promise to take care of her and give her a home and a family, filled with love.  As she was praying that for her baby, we were praying to be just that to a baby who needed a family.

Today, 4 months ago, I met two ladies who will forever change my life.  First, Ava Kate’s birthmommy.  As I drove to the hospital to meet her, I had no idea to what to expect.  No idea what she would look like, be like.  Would she be kind to me?  Would she be really angry?  Really emotional?  Really distant?  Honestly, I had no idea what to expect.  What I did not expect was a beautiful, precious young girl who had maturity that blew me away.  I was surprised that our conversation wasn’t forced or awkward.  We connected on a level from the very beginning that can only be explained by the holy spirit.  We chatted about life, and dreams, and the beautiful baby she was holding, tightly swaddled up in a burrito-like blanket.  Driving back to work, I was overwhelmed by emotion.  This was it.  This beautiful baby I held against my chest was mine.  She was mine, and she was this beautiful girl’s who I just met.  And oddly, that was ok.  She was ours.  We would both fight to make sure she had a family that adored her.

Four months ago, I was seeing patients like normal, precepting a nurse practitioner student, and had no idea that I was about to get a text that would change my life.  Change my family’s life.  “Call me asap,” it said, and was coming from a social worker who is also a friend/mentor.  Literally within two hours of that text, my beautiful daughter was snuggled into my chest.  Although she did not grow within my womb, she fit perfectly snuggled there.  And I knew without doubt,  that if this precious birthmom wanted me to be mom to this little one, I would absolutely, without doubt, love her with all of my heart.

On that day, I had no idea that I would continue to get to know this precious birthmommy, and we would navigate waters together that there aren’t books to prepare you for.  But,  I knew that Ava Kate was my daughter, and I would cross oceans for her.  And I knew that her birthmommy was a beautiful girl who I connected with deeply, and would move mountains to help her be ok as she walked through such a tough journey.  Our journey doesn’t make sense to most looking from the outside, but it is so, so beautiful, and I am so so glad that we are on it.

 

 

As a new mom (again!), I was fully prepared for waking up all through the night to feed my new baby, change her, and remind her that I was there and she was safe.  There is no tired like getting up all night long tired, but, after my first baby, and seeing how fast those moments really do fade into memories, I have enjoyed night time snuggles and know that it won’t be many weeks before those little ones are sleeping until morning.

Enjoying them and wanting them to continue are fully two different things, however.  I am cautious what new and improved products I will use for sleep, because #safetyfirst.  But, when I saw an advertisement for NestledBean, I was intrigued.  Mostly because it was a swaddle wrap and/or sleep sack, which we already use and love, with a twist.  With portions of it lightly weighted to mimic mom (or dad)’s touch.  Although Ava Kate was already a wonderful sleeper- she still liked to feel me close by to get her best sleep.  I read and researched and thought about it for several days before I decided to order and give it a try.  We got the swaddle- and it is super sweet, soft, and a perfect swaddle for bedtime.  And Miss Houdini can’t work her way out of it, like she can my swaddles (and I’m pretty amazing at swaddling, so that says something for her skills!)

THE NESTED BEAN STORY

It all started with a baby boy who wouldn’t sleep unless his mom had her hand on his chest. That mom was Manasi Gangan, the founder of Nested Bean.

Guided by a mother’s intuition and driven to help her baby, she created a garment of sorts that simulated the pressure of her touch with lightly weighted parts. Slowly her little one started to drift off and stay asleep apart from her.

After witnessing similar results with other babies using an early product model, Manasi realized that she just had to spread this simple idea to other mothers in need.

She had discovered that harnessing the power of a mother’s touch is an essential part of soothing new arrivals, aiding their transition from the womb into the world.

In fact, as it turns out, simulated touch is so powerful that it is used on pre-term babies in NICUs to calm them, boost their socio-emotional development and bolster their immune systems.

Manasi gathered a team of professionals from engineering, juvenile product design, retail and marketing. They began by meeting with pulmonary cariologists, researchers and child safety experts in order to gather as much research as they could on infant sleep issues, touch therapy and sleep safety. Then they set about applying these principles to the creation of the Zen Swaddle, the only swaddle to truly feel like a parents embrace.

DESIGN

The lightly weighted and adjustable Zen Swaddle from Nested Bean allows your baby to feel like they are sleeping in your arms. Your reassuring touch can signal comfort, security and love to your baby, allowing them to calm and sleep peacefully; the weighted Zen Swaddle duplicates that sensation.

Based on the medically proven benefits of touch, the Zen Swaddle includes lightly weighted areas on both the center (where your palm would go) and sides (where your arms would go) to simulate the feeling of being held. Moms who have used the Zen Swaddle Blanket say their babies get up to two additional hours of nighttime sleep within one to three nights.

SIZING

Two sizes in one lasts twice as long – a small interior to keep your baby’s legs snug during the first few weeks; the extra-long sack provides additional leg room as your baby grows from 0-6 months.

MATERIAL

Made from 100% luxuriously soft cotton for your baby’s tender skin, it is washer and dryer safe. The weighted pads are filled with non-toxic poly beads, the same as you find in children’s stuffed toys.

SAFETY

The Zen Swaddle exceeds safety standards. It has passed 12 mandatory and 7 voluntary tests. All materials are BPA, toxic and Phthalate free.

I am not easily impressed, and I don’t like a lot of fluff.  If it isn’t a necessity, I am usually ok without it.  I’m pretty darn impressed with our Zen Swaddle, and am excited to try new products with this technology.

Nestledbean has an affiliate program, which rewards you for sharing.  You guys know I love to share things I love, and so far, I love Nestledbean.  Our affiliate link is here and I would be happy to tell you more about our experience so far.

 

 

June 1. One month has come and gone since a tiny newborn entered our world. Thirty one days seems like such a short amount of time to have experienced a lifetime worth of love, of heartbreak, of growth, of worry, of pride. This little one has stolen all of our hearts, and showed us that we are brave enough to do hard things, we are terrified of not being in control, and we are fully dependent on our creator who has been writing this story for longer than this tiny girl has been alive.

Our family feels complete with her in it. No longer do I feel the longing that goes along with the need to add another child. The “big” kids are all standing on ready to get her whatever they think she needs, when she makes the tiniest cry. They have learned that stuffed animals and toys don’t shush the cries of a newborn, but rather a soft stroke of her forehead, a pacifier, or a gentle rock of the carseat/bassinet will soothe her to sleep. All have taken turns holding and feeding her, and are generally longing for more when I whisk her away from them. I’m so thankful that they have a lifetime to love on her. She will most definitely be the most loved little sister. She has won the hearts of her daddy, grandparents, aunts and cousins. We all think it’s pretty neat that she looks just like all the Brooks babies that came before her, with her dark hair and tiny nose.

We have had several visits for snuggles with the precious one who chose life for our Ava Kate.  We agreed that we would “do life together,” which basically looks an awful lot like having an extra person who loves our little one fiercely and doesn’t have to miss special milestones of the tiny one she created.  She chose us to be Ava Kate’s parents, which means, she expects US to be just that- her parents.  However, with that choice, she did not resign from loving this little one or longing to kiss her soft face from time to time.  Although I know it seems weird to most, it is such a natural relationship for the two of us, and jealousy doesn’t have a place in my heart or Ava Kate’s sweet first momma’s.  We are a team, and so thankful for each other.  I don’t know what this will look like years down the road, but I know that it is a beautiful story that we are writing.

Ava Kate is an amazing baby.  At one month, she weighs what my other three kiddos weighed at birth.  She’s a tiny little thing, but she’s eating and growing perfectly.  She’s a little piggie, who takes 4 oz. formula every 4 hours.  Formula.  Probably my biggest learning curve with this little one.  With my other kiddos, we didn’t introduce formula until after 6 months, so figuring out how much and how often, and when to increase, was new to me, but we are in a good groove for now.  I’ve said a few times I’m not sure why I worked so hard to avoid it with my other kiddos, because this girl sleeps so good at night!  (Like now, it’s almost 2 am, and she’s sleeping and I’m not— what’s wrong with this picture?!)  I have 8 weeks at home with her before I go back to work, so I am just now half way through that.  I’m so thankful for this time to be able to love on her and get to know each other.  And for naps together— I’m definitely thankful for those too.

We have no doubt that Ava Kate is the baby that God had planned for our family.  He has showed us that in so many ways throughout this journey.  Through tears I told Ben, I knew that I would love the baby placed in our family, but I didn’t expect to love her first momma too.  I am so thankful for this part of our story too.  It isn’t something I “have” to do, or am going through the motions of, but yet, a beautiful part of this story that I so didn’t expect.  God has been preparing my heart for this relationship over the last year, and I’m so so glad.  It was pretty well known that I was the gas and Ben was the brakes of our adoption journey.  He had several boxes that he wanted checked, and I told him a lot of them were unrealistic.  It’s crazy to look back at those boxes and see that this story checked every. single. one. of them.  Even the unrealistic ones.  God is so good.  And He is in the details.

Life is messy, and sometimes it is hard.  I don’t expect this journey to be perfect or without challenges.  But, we are prepared to do hard things, and so excited and honored to be this little one’s family.  We can’t wait to walk this journey with her and be part of her beautiful story.    We are so thankful for our amazing village for being part of this story as well.  Those of you who have dropped off baby things on our doorsteps, THANK YOU!  Those of you who have brought meals, THANK YOU!  Those of you who have sent us groceries, THANK YOU!  Those of you who helped support our journey financially, THANK YOU!  We are forever grateful for all of you and the role you play in our journey.  We have a beautiful village and we are so crazy thankful for all of you!

 

After looking up several definitions of “rejection,” the one that seemed most compatible with what I am currently feeling is “to refuse to allow.”  No one likes to be rejected.  They like to be in control, and chosen, and accepted.  The process of adoption is filled with rejection.  Rejection of the child by their first family.  And often, rejection of the adoptive family as well.  This rejection is felt when you pursue a waiting child and another family is chosen.  Or when a birthmom chooses a different family for her child.  Although, your logical mind knows that every person can’t be chosen and there has to be families told no, your emotional mind says, “Why not me?”

This week, the Brooks family had our first rejection experience of our adoption journey.  We were one of four families being considered for a precious little girl that we actually met, and we received the phone call that we were not chosen.  Although this was not shocking information, and my head was very much ok with this news, the more days that go by, the more I wonder, “Why not us?”  Don’t they know what great kids I have?  Kids that are so very ready to be amazing big brothers and sisters!  Don’t they know what great parents we are?  We advocate for our kids fiercely.  We are involved in sports, and school, and church.  We teach our kids about Jesus.  And about grace.  And forgiveness.  And we fill their cups with encouragement and love.  We tell them they are beautiful.  And fast.  And they can be anything in the world they want to be.  Yes, even a farmer, artist, veterinarian.  Or a garbage man.  Don’t they know how awesome our extended family is?  Our kids have amazing grandparents AND great grandparents who are all a huge part of our lives.  When we are exhausted from all the advocating and teaching and pouring, they step right in and keep it up.  Don’t they know I am half adopted and Ben grew up in a long term foster home?  We get it!  We are prepared to prepare our little one’s heart and help him/her be confident in their identity.  Don’t they know how open we are to open adoption?  If it is safe and good for our kiddo, we will put all of our feelings and fears aside to do what is absolutely best for our- mine and Ben’s AND the first family’s- child.

Of course they know these things.  And of course I know that I am one of many very wonderful mommas, and Ben is one of many super dads.  I know that this family loved their little girl and made the very best decision for HER.  And three families were on the REJECTED side.  And that’s ok.  She’s not our daughter.  Our son or daughter is out there somewhere, and even through rejection, I know that God knows which child needs our family, and we are so ready when the time comes.  We have decided to protect our kiddos from this rejection.  They don’t need to know every time our profile is shown and we are not chosen.  We will share the news with them when the time is right.  And that literally may be when we are headed to the hospital (or wherever we are told to go!) to pick up our child.

To continue to follow our adoption journey, check out:  https://www.youcaring.com/brooksfamily-1022176

Also, between now and March 1, we are taking orders for Gobena coffee.  $12/bag for a 12 oz. bag or a pack of 12 Kcups.  Send me an email @ chazalee at gmail dot com if you want more info on ordering!  🙂